Pirate Dave and his Randy Adventures by Robyn Peterman

Author:Robyn Peterman [Peterman, Robyn]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: General Fiction
Published: 2013-05-22T07:00:00+00:00

Chapter Eighteen

“Pirate Dave,” Hairy Sam squealed in terror, making his way to his captain. “It’s awful. The blood, it’s everywhere. Crooked Jim has lost his fucking mind. He keeps talking about naked midgets . . . He’ s killing them!”

“He’s killing midgets?” Dave asked. Why would anyone kill a midget? All the midgets he knew were lovely. Well, there was that bastard troll who branded his back with the dreaded giraffe and gave him two peepees, but was a troll considered a midget? Pirate Dave was so confused, he sat back down on the deck.

“Get up, you two-pronged jackass,” Hairy Sam yelped. “You have to save your women.”

“My women?” Pirate Dave stood up, braving the elements. “Crooked Jim is killing my women?”

“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you,” Hairy Sam bellowed.

“No,” Dave yelled back. “You said Crooked Jim was killing midgets. I don’t have any girlfriends who are midgets. Not that I’m opposed to that. In fact, it’s a fine idea. Do you know any attractive midgets with two vaginas?”

“Oh for fuck’s sake,” Hairy Sam rolled his eyes. He grabbed Dave by the chest hair and dragged him to the upper deck of the ship.

What Pirate Dave saw would stay with him for the rest of his immortal life . . . it was awful.

Laverne and Shirley were hog-tied together and strapped to the ground. Crooked Jim stood above them, doing some kind of bizarre bloody ritual. Blood ran dark and red all over the deck.

The girls howled and cried out in pain and terror.

“What the fuck are you doing?” Pirate Dave bellowed.

Crooked Jim turned to Pirate Dave with an ecstatic expression. “It’s a surprise!” he screamed joyously, jumping up and down. “Do you love it?” he gushed.

“Love that you’re killing the two women I’m screwing? Are you a fucking imbecile?”

Crooked Jim had always been an odd one, but Dave liked to gather misfits. Not anymore . . .

Pirate Dave began to swear and bump and grind his way around the deck. He slipped twice in the blood while doing complicated moves. His crew backed away in fear. Pirate Dave’s spells didn’t always work out right. No one wanted to be in the line of fire when he got going.

“Shitmotherfuckerpisscocksuckerturdpoopdamnfart,” he cried out, contorting his body and sweating like a pig.

The storm stilled and a wall of golden glitter whooshed across the deck. The pirates began to sneeze and cough. This was the biggest most deadly wall of shimmering crap they’d ever seen Pirate Dave conjure up. The sparkling mass morphed into a giant flesh-eating snake and slithered through the air toward Crooked Jim.

“Noooo,” Crooked Jim squawked. “She said you would be happy. The hat full of assholes, boob lady said you would love it,” he wailed, but it was too late. The glitter snake wrapped itself around Crooked Jim’s neck. He tried to pull it off, but he had very few fingers and teeny-tiny palms. He didn’t stand a chance against Pirate Dave’s rage magic. The angry snake choked the life out of poor Crooked Jim.

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